We here at The Great American Going Out Of Business Sale recently discovered that we have opinions about stuff. We present here the first in a long and uncalled for line of editorials.
We Will Never Go To The Moon Again
by
Melvin Gutenflag
Today is the fortieth anniversary of the original moon landing, and much attention, including this reporter’s, has been forced to remember a dark chapter in this country’s history, a time when we all took the easy way out.
In 1961, a person of moderate importance suggested that, by the end of the decade, we not only could, but should, put a man on the moon. Two years later, that person was shot and killed for their arrogance, among other things. However, other persons of more importance and arrogance took this person seriously, and in July of 1969, not one but two mans had been put on the moon.
Though this achievement was singularly and solely achieved by the United States of Achievement, it was somehow seen as a victory for the rest of the planet, who had nothing to do with it, and possibly other unknown planets, who were rooting for us all along. It was seen by everyone who owned a television set, and possibly a few who did not.
We continued to visit the moon for three more years, bringing it news of our accomplishments, like going to the moon.
And then, in 1972, we stopped visiting, forever.
Why would we do such a thing? The moon was ours, primed to become the fifty-first state. We might all be living there now, in spacious yet affordable moon huts, eating tasty and nutritious moon foods, and generally living the way the framers of the constitution intended. Why then, I ask you, person over there, are we not?
“Because it was just so damned easy”, says Man Who Ought To Know.
He was right, as all Americans are, and as all Americans know, if it’s easy, no matter how beneficial, it just ain’t worth doing. It is the reason we constantly find ourselves in random and unending armed conflicts around the world: it is very, very difficult, and therefore, worth every dead soldier, civilian, and piece of ordinance. Space travel, like world peace and unlike war and bipartisan politics, is so very, very easy.
Though it was very, very easy, no one will deny that the space race was good for one thing: keeping people who are different from us in their place. The Russians knew who was calling the shots in space in the sixties*. Every time they outshone us, and we struggled and then mostly failed to keep up, every Ruskie scientist and Commienaut was shaking in their whatever the Russian word for boots is. It kept their rockets aimed at the sky, which is not where America is at all, and certainly not where we kept our precious fluids and things we didn’t want blown. Now, that is difficult.
It took only eight years from that insane, unimportant person’s first double dog dare to Neil Armstrong’s first bootprint, to get to the moon. That’s nothing to write home about. In eight years, George W. Bush started a war he couldn’t possibly finish, guranteeing the next five presidents will have to deal with it’s ramifications. Why, in 2007 alone, America’s spending on wars in Afghanistan and Iraq was the same as the entire Apollo 11 mission, roughy $150 billion**. It should be obvious which investment has had the biggest returns.
Scientists and time travel enthusiasts also tell us that things were done with much more ease in general back in those days. “Everybody knows that things happened with much more ease back in those days”, says Jack Turgid, local farmer, who is dead. He is absolutely right, even more right than certain professionals who’s job it is to always be right. There were no computers or Twitter back then to keep you informed. One had to keep themselves up to date by a process called reading, which has been proved to be unnecessary. Things that are easy and awe-inspiring are threats to the American way of life. Things like war and crushing financial dependence are what made America great, and in this current and critical climate can only make America greaterer.
Even Neil Armstrong, father to bicycle overlord Lance Armstrong, says he wishes he never went to the moon***.
There are many things we could have in our lives if we were to once again adopt an easy going attitude of across the board, nonpartisan human progress and peace: flying cars, food-pills, tubes that speedily transported you from country to country, peace, love, perpetual renaissance of the human spirit, and other things only the dumbest children believe in.
The age of easily going to places in outer space no one’s ever gone to before and discovering awesome, existence changing things is long over and dead. It was all just some absurdity fueled fever dream, mass psychosis tramping towards deranged betterment for us all. Easy-peasey-lemon-squeezey. It was something we deluded into happening, and it did, sort of, in a studio in beautiful downtown Burbank.
*We were calling the shots. And possibly the Space-Crocodiles of Swamptron.
**Adjusted for Now-Time Dollars. In Back-Then Dollars, it was roughly $25 billion.
***The actual quote from Mr. Armstrong was: “The moon is a lady of easy pleasing, and I have had my fill. Oh...how I have had my fill.” Mr. Armstrong then stared off glassy eyed into the corner, and demanded the room be cleared so that he could “prepare for launch.” He then winked suggestively several times at a female assistant,then fell asleep.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
All Hands Bury The Dead
To lose someone, anyone, at any time, is a tragedy. That anyone should not live as long as they could is a sin. It makes no difference who this person is.
With the recent series of passings of people more known than others, some perspective seems to have been lost.
We here at The Great American Going Out Of Business Sale would like to remind and remember all the other people who passed in the last few weeks who didn't merit a sports arena and national broadcast for their funeral.
They may not have been more known than others, but no matter what they were, the lives of others would not have functioned properly had they not existed, and therefore, life itself would not have functioned.
No one person is worth more than another, only better known.
We ask that you join us in a moment of silence for ALL the Dead...
Thank you.
With the recent series of passings of people more known than others, some perspective seems to have been lost.
We here at The Great American Going Out Of Business Sale would like to remind and remember all the other people who passed in the last few weeks who didn't merit a sports arena and national broadcast for their funeral.
They may not have been more known than others, but no matter what they were, the lives of others would not have functioned properly had they not existed, and therefore, life itself would not have functioned.
No one person is worth more than another, only better known.
We ask that you join us in a moment of silence for ALL the Dead...
Thank you.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
Children's Programming
Children’s Programming Guide for the first week of July
Weekdays
Channel Amphetamine
4:30 am- Wake-Up the Whale!- An angry unemployed whale yells at the children for three and a half hours. Required watching for all school age failures. There will be a test.
7:00 am- Inappropriate Banter Express- Two once attractive middle aged women and a beaten down ex games show hosts trade shameful sexual indiscretions over morning coffee while planning each others murder/suicide. Tune in to see who succeeds. Spoiler: Everyone.
Channel Enough Rope
2:00 pm- Michael Bay’s Fairy Tale Revenge- Michael Bay reads fairy tales his way. Snow White looks pouty, the Pied Piper won’t shut up, and all the magical creatures serve no purpose. Then things explode. The End
Weekdays
Channel Amphetamine
4:30 am- Wake-Up the Whale!- An angry unemployed whale yells at the children for three and a half hours. Required watching for all school age failures. There will be a test.
7:00 am- Inappropriate Banter Express- Two once attractive middle aged women and a beaten down ex games show hosts trade shameful sexual indiscretions over morning coffee while planning each others murder/suicide. Tune in to see who succeeds. Spoiler: Everyone.
Channel Enough Rope
2:00 pm- Michael Bay’s Fairy Tale Revenge- Michael Bay reads fairy tales his way. Snow White looks pouty, the Pied Piper won’t shut up, and all the magical creatures serve no purpose. Then things explode. The End
Monday, June 8, 2009
A Note On Things You Can Not Change
Hey there, folks.
A great new moment is upon us, and you are an integral part of that new moment. After years of waiting, the future is finally here.
That is, if you’re not scared of THE CHANGE.
On Friday, all analogue television signals will cease to exist and will be replaced with the mighty, government approved digital television signal.
It’s for your own good. You don’t want to be inferior, do you?
Most (all) of your neighbor’s have been enjoying digital television for months, and they haven’t gone insane yet.
Those of you not enjoying your God given American right to the best stuff may be confused about what exactly digital television is. There’s no excuse for that. If you’re concerned that much about the future of television, you’re obviously a television enthusiast, so you must have seen one of our many ads and bottom-of-the-screen runners during your favorite shows and commercials. You can’t say you haven’t been warned.
Don’t worry. There’s no reason to panic and have to be forcibly subdued. THE CHANGE is coming and there’s noting you have to do to stop it. In fact, it must be the right choice. You didn’t even have to vote for it.
If you’ve already purchased a brand new and affordable digital television, or a digital converter box for your old, useless, and heavy, then congratulations! You’re on the ball. Come June 12th, your puny analogue signal will flatline in the presence of ALMIGHTY DIGITAL!
You have to go purchase a digital converter box immediately. We gave you the spendin’ cash for it. It’s sitting on the store shelf, not living up to its potential. All because of your selfishness.
If you continue to think only of your self, come June 12th, you will find yourself banned from television for the rest of your life. No more news. No more laughs. No more radiating comfort in the dark times. You will be completely cut off from all things. Studies show that without television’s constant light, your imagination will run out of food, wither, and die. Just try to imagine the better world you foolishly to leave behind, and how awesome it is. Go on. Take a moment.
Couldn’t do it, could you? Inferior television viewing has already made your brain soft and gummy, which means your already 67% more likely to become a terrorist.
We don’t tell you all this because we’re mean and want to scare you. We love you, random citizen. We know change is confusing, be we also know it’s always good for you. There’s no reason to be terrified of the ominous and mandatory shift in technology. We won’t use it to spy on you like we could. We’re making a better world, one where everyone will be connected by being the same forever.
Don’t worry. We’re going to take care of you. No matter what you say.
Brought to you by your Government. Bringing the country together, one mysterious black box at a time.
A great new moment is upon us, and you are an integral part of that new moment. After years of waiting, the future is finally here.
That is, if you’re not scared of THE CHANGE.
On Friday, all analogue television signals will cease to exist and will be replaced with the mighty, government approved digital television signal.
It’s for your own good. You don’t want to be inferior, do you?
Most (all) of your neighbor’s have been enjoying digital television for months, and they haven’t gone insane yet.
Those of you not enjoying your God given American right to the best stuff may be confused about what exactly digital television is. There’s no excuse for that. If you’re concerned that much about the future of television, you’re obviously a television enthusiast, so you must have seen one of our many ads and bottom-of-the-screen runners during your favorite shows and commercials. You can’t say you haven’t been warned.
Don’t worry. There’s no reason to panic and have to be forcibly subdued. THE CHANGE is coming and there’s noting you have to do to stop it. In fact, it must be the right choice. You didn’t even have to vote for it.
If you’ve already purchased a brand new and affordable digital television, or a digital converter box for your old, useless, and heavy, then congratulations! You’re on the ball. Come June 12th, your puny analogue signal will flatline in the presence of ALMIGHTY DIGITAL!
You have to go purchase a digital converter box immediately. We gave you the spendin’ cash for it. It’s sitting on the store shelf, not living up to its potential. All because of your selfishness.
If you continue to think only of your self, come June 12th, you will find yourself banned from television for the rest of your life. No more news. No more laughs. No more radiating comfort in the dark times. You will be completely cut off from all things. Studies show that without television’s constant light, your imagination will run out of food, wither, and die. Just try to imagine the better world you foolishly to leave behind, and how awesome it is. Go on. Take a moment.
Couldn’t do it, could you? Inferior television viewing has already made your brain soft and gummy, which means your already 67% more likely to become a terrorist.
We don’t tell you all this because we’re mean and want to scare you. We love you, random citizen. We know change is confusing, be we also know it’s always good for you. There’s no reason to be terrified of the ominous and mandatory shift in technology. We won’t use it to spy on you like we could. We’re making a better world, one where everyone will be connected by being the same forever.
Don’t worry. We’re going to take care of you. No matter what you say.
Brought to you by your Government. Bringing the country together, one mysterious black box at a time.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What To Do When Everything Is Crawling With Snakes
You might think it could never happen to you. I don’t live in an area commonly known to harbor snakes, is something you might say aloud in the streets whilst unicycling or some other non-snake activity. You might even think it over and over rapidly in your head as you go to work at the storage place where you also live. Well, you are a fool who has odd ways of passing the time.
At some point in your life, no matter who you are, everything will be crawling with snakes. No matter how hard you try, this will happen. Those who still try to deny it, while snakes are literally dripping off of everything will be the first to die. But you, lucky person who is reading this, may be one of the first to live, if you just do everything you are supposed to exactly right the first time and always after that.
The best way to avoid mistakes is not making them.
Mistakes you make when everything is crawling with snakes:
1) Worrying about where all these snakes came from.
Don’t worry about it! If you’re standing around wondering where all the snakes came from when everything is crawling with snakes, you will quickly be crawling with snakes, and that’s the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid. The only reason you should worry about where all these snakes came from is so you can stop more snakes from coming. This should only be done when you have the time, and when you can get around to it.
2) Freaking Out.
This will most likely occur in female victims of everything crawling with snakes. It has also been found to occur in lady-like men and people who are afraid of snakes. Do not freak out! Snakes feed on fear. Literally. When you are afraid, your body secretes certain chemicals, or fear-sweat, as it is known by the U.S. Patent Office. This fear sweat permeates the air and snakes gather sustenance from it. This is why they constantly flick their tongues out at nothing, and why they are so fat.
3) Thinking the snakes are smarter than you.
This is one of the more common mistakes people make when dealing with everything crawling with snakes. People freak out and their first thought is, All these snakes are smarter than me. Do not for one second allow your self esteem to dip in front of these snakes. After fear, their next favorite food is self-doubt. Do not think lowly of yourself when confronted with these diabolical reptiles. Keep your chin up and go over in your head whatever you remember from high school algebra or anything else super smarty pants until your confidence level levels off.
Now, do not for one hour think that snakes are stupid. They are extremely smart. You just can not let them think that, or they will walk all over you (pun intended). A good way to not get fooled by the snakes crawling on everything is to always carry a copy of Your Pocket-Guide To All Known Slimy Things* with you at all times. This will let you know the intelligence level of how ever many different types of snakes you are dealing with at any given time, and will help answer questions like Can these snakes be tricked into thinking I’ve actually pulled off my thumb, or will this require a more elaborate ruse?
4) Getting hypnotized.
Don’t get hypnotized.
5) Believing you are a snake.
If you have made this mistake, you have also most likely made the mistake detailed in number four. Don’t believe you are a snake. You are not. The real snakes will only use you to make themselves feel better about actually being snakes, and then they will ditch you in front of some pet store when you are no longer of any use to them.
If, for whatever reason, you did not make the mistake detailed in number four, but are willingly acting like a snake to fit in, you are a traitor to your human masters, and if what you want is to be a snake crawling on everything, then go be a snake crawling on everything. Just remember no one will respect you, and that kind of surgery has not been approved by anyone yet, so...enter that can of worms** at your own risk.
We hope this has been helpful to you in your personal war against snakes. We hope to aid you further in the future as our informative series of Stuff Happens To Everything series continues its long journey with entries like What To Do When Everything Kills, What To Do When Everything Is Pointy, and What To Do When Everyone Wishes You Were Killed By Pointy Things.
Adios!
*Your Pocket Guide To All Known Slimy Things will be published in October of 2017.
**Little Known Fact: Worms are snakes. Same rules apply.
At some point in your life, no matter who you are, everything will be crawling with snakes. No matter how hard you try, this will happen. Those who still try to deny it, while snakes are literally dripping off of everything will be the first to die. But you, lucky person who is reading this, may be one of the first to live, if you just do everything you are supposed to exactly right the first time and always after that.
The best way to avoid mistakes is not making them.
Mistakes you make when everything is crawling with snakes:
1) Worrying about where all these snakes came from.
Don’t worry about it! If you’re standing around wondering where all the snakes came from when everything is crawling with snakes, you will quickly be crawling with snakes, and that’s the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid. The only reason you should worry about where all these snakes came from is so you can stop more snakes from coming. This should only be done when you have the time, and when you can get around to it.
2) Freaking Out.
This will most likely occur in female victims of everything crawling with snakes. It has also been found to occur in lady-like men and people who are afraid of snakes. Do not freak out! Snakes feed on fear. Literally. When you are afraid, your body secretes certain chemicals, or fear-sweat, as it is known by the U.S. Patent Office. This fear sweat permeates the air and snakes gather sustenance from it. This is why they constantly flick their tongues out at nothing, and why they are so fat.
3) Thinking the snakes are smarter than you.
This is one of the more common mistakes people make when dealing with everything crawling with snakes. People freak out and their first thought is, All these snakes are smarter than me. Do not for one second allow your self esteem to dip in front of these snakes. After fear, their next favorite food is self-doubt. Do not think lowly of yourself when confronted with these diabolical reptiles. Keep your chin up and go over in your head whatever you remember from high school algebra or anything else super smarty pants until your confidence level levels off.
Now, do not for one hour think that snakes are stupid. They are extremely smart. You just can not let them think that, or they will walk all over you (pun intended). A good way to not get fooled by the snakes crawling on everything is to always carry a copy of Your Pocket-Guide To All Known Slimy Things* with you at all times. This will let you know the intelligence level of how ever many different types of snakes you are dealing with at any given time, and will help answer questions like Can these snakes be tricked into thinking I’ve actually pulled off my thumb, or will this require a more elaborate ruse?
4) Getting hypnotized.
Don’t get hypnotized.
5) Believing you are a snake.
If you have made this mistake, you have also most likely made the mistake detailed in number four. Don’t believe you are a snake. You are not. The real snakes will only use you to make themselves feel better about actually being snakes, and then they will ditch you in front of some pet store when you are no longer of any use to them.
If, for whatever reason, you did not make the mistake detailed in number four, but are willingly acting like a snake to fit in, you are a traitor to your human masters, and if what you want is to be a snake crawling on everything, then go be a snake crawling on everything. Just remember no one will respect you, and that kind of surgery has not been approved by anyone yet, so...enter that can of worms** at your own risk.
We hope this has been helpful to you in your personal war against snakes. We hope to aid you further in the future as our informative series of Stuff Happens To Everything series continues its long journey with entries like What To Do When Everything Kills, What To Do When Everything Is Pointy, and What To Do When Everyone Wishes You Were Killed By Pointy Things.
Adios!
*Your Pocket Guide To All Known Slimy Things will be published in October of 2017.
**Little Known Fact: Worms are snakes. Same rules apply.
What To Do When Everything Is On Fire
Navigating this life can often be fraught with peril and intrigue, and things can often become intriguing and perilous. There is no reason that you can not be prepared. What follows is the first in a series of helpful guides for some of the more common experiences in life that seem to give people too much worry.
Check to see if everything is on fire.
Fire is hot. If you are hot, chances are you, and by process of elimination, everything, is on fire. If you are not on fire, mostly likely everything else is and you will soon be engulfed in flames.
Most likely if one thing is on fire, like candles, stoves, incense, etc., then everything else will be on fire as well.
What to do once you are certain everything is on fire (and it will be, because everything is on fire).
Once you have been convinced that everything is on fire, there are several ways in which to not be on fire.
Jumping out of the highest window of the building you’re in is a great way to start not being on fire. As you plummet towards the ground, the air rushing past your flailing limbs will help put out the fire, like breath breathing out a collection of birthday candles (which are also a sign of everything being on fire). However, this will not work if the air (which is a part of everything) is on fire.
Hiding in a swimming pool until less than everything is on fire can also be quite helpful, unless the pool in question is filled with gasoline, in which case, everything that is not on fire will soon be on fire.
Run away from the fire. Fire is lazy and often does not like having to get up to do its job. If you are fleet of feet, you may be able to outrun the fire. On the other hand, if you are slow because of being fat, you may be able to outwit the fire, as fire (especially when it is on everything) is quite dumb, and can usually be stopped with a simple riddle, usually one involving a fox, a goose, and a bag of goose food.
The most important part of everything being on fire is that you will be on fire.
Here are some ways to tell if you are on fire:
If you are blind and on fire, people will be screaming “you are on fire” loudly in you vicinity. Thank them immediately, as they took time out of their day, and, since they are near you, are on fire as well, and have concerns of their own.
If you are deaf, people will be making fire charades with their hands and pointing vigorously at your person. These people should also be thanked, but not as much as the other people, for charades is more of a game than a safety procedure.
If you are neither deaf or blind but are completely normal and are of at least below normal intelligence, everything being on fire (including large portions of yourself) should be fairly obvious. If not, there are people you can call and leave a message with, and they will get back to you, just as soon as we can.
The best solution to everything being on fire is to just let it happen. Everything being on fire is much less worrisome that waiting around, constantly anticipating everything being on fire. Also, being on fire is a great way to meet the ladies.
And as one final, general rule, it is much harder for everything to be on fire if everything is dead.
We hope this has been informative. In the nearer future we will be bringing you such guides as What To Do When Everything Is Wet, What To Do When Everything is Covered In Snakes, and What To Do When Everything Works The Way It Was Supposed To In The First Place.
Thank you for reading, and enjoy everything not being on fire.
Check to see if everything is on fire.
Fire is hot. If you are hot, chances are you, and by process of elimination, everything, is on fire. If you are not on fire, mostly likely everything else is and you will soon be engulfed in flames.
Most likely if one thing is on fire, like candles, stoves, incense, etc., then everything else will be on fire as well.
What to do once you are certain everything is on fire (and it will be, because everything is on fire).
Once you have been convinced that everything is on fire, there are several ways in which to not be on fire.
Jumping out of the highest window of the building you’re in is a great way to start not being on fire. As you plummet towards the ground, the air rushing past your flailing limbs will help put out the fire, like breath breathing out a collection of birthday candles (which are also a sign of everything being on fire). However, this will not work if the air (which is a part of everything) is on fire.
Hiding in a swimming pool until less than everything is on fire can also be quite helpful, unless the pool in question is filled with gasoline, in which case, everything that is not on fire will soon be on fire.
Run away from the fire. Fire is lazy and often does not like having to get up to do its job. If you are fleet of feet, you may be able to outrun the fire. On the other hand, if you are slow because of being fat, you may be able to outwit the fire, as fire (especially when it is on everything) is quite dumb, and can usually be stopped with a simple riddle, usually one involving a fox, a goose, and a bag of goose food.
The most important part of everything being on fire is that you will be on fire.
Here are some ways to tell if you are on fire:
If you are blind and on fire, people will be screaming “you are on fire” loudly in you vicinity. Thank them immediately, as they took time out of their day, and, since they are near you, are on fire as well, and have concerns of their own.
If you are deaf, people will be making fire charades with their hands and pointing vigorously at your person. These people should also be thanked, but not as much as the other people, for charades is more of a game than a safety procedure.
If you are neither deaf or blind but are completely normal and are of at least below normal intelligence, everything being on fire (including large portions of yourself) should be fairly obvious. If not, there are people you can call and leave a message with, and they will get back to you, just as soon as we can.
The best solution to everything being on fire is to just let it happen. Everything being on fire is much less worrisome that waiting around, constantly anticipating everything being on fire. Also, being on fire is a great way to meet the ladies.
And as one final, general rule, it is much harder for everything to be on fire if everything is dead.
We hope this has been informative. In the nearer future we will be bringing you such guides as What To Do When Everything Is Wet, What To Do When Everything is Covered In Snakes, and What To Do When Everything Works The Way It Was Supposed To In The First Place.
Thank you for reading, and enjoy everything not being on fire.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Children's Programming
Children’s Television Programming Guide For the Second Week of April 2009 (with ratings recommendations where appropriate).
Weekdays
Channel Brick
1:00 pm- The Incredible Learning Adventures of Captain Boredom- A young boy puts on a home made super hero costume, sits in a corner, and reads quietly, stopping only occasionally to shush his imaginary friends, who are having much more fun.
Channel Nacho
2:00 pm- Ethnic Fun and Cement Hour- Somehow involves a sexually promiscuous ghost and several kinds of rodent. Not recommended for the sane or soon to be sane.
3:00 pm- There Is No God, Timmy, You’re Mom’s A Big Liar- The classic series returns for it’s 29th season. Recommended for all.
Channel Poppa Oo Mow Mow, Poppa Oo Mow Mow
4:00 pm- Lockers and Crap- What will happen on this teen drama when teens have drama. Guest starring Craig T. Nelson as the Principal with a secret (The secret turns out to be hidden pirate gold underneath the school’s gymnasium).
Weekends
All Channels
All Day- Crap, Crap, and More
Weekdays
Channel Brick
1:00 pm- The Incredible Learning Adventures of Captain Boredom- A young boy puts on a home made super hero costume, sits in a corner, and reads quietly, stopping only occasionally to shush his imaginary friends, who are having much more fun.
Channel Nacho
2:00 pm- Ethnic Fun and Cement Hour- Somehow involves a sexually promiscuous ghost and several kinds of rodent. Not recommended for the sane or soon to be sane.
3:00 pm- There Is No God, Timmy, You’re Mom’s A Big Liar- The classic series returns for it’s 29th season. Recommended for all.
Channel Poppa Oo Mow Mow, Poppa Oo Mow Mow
4:00 pm- Lockers and Crap- What will happen on this teen drama when teens have drama. Guest starring Craig T. Nelson as the Principal with a secret (The secret turns out to be hidden pirate gold underneath the school’s gymnasium).
Weekends
All Channels
All Day- Crap, Crap, and More
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