Navigating this life can often be fraught with peril and intrigue, and things can often become intriguing and perilous. There is no reason that you can not be prepared. What follows is the first in a series of helpful guides for some of the more common experiences in life that seem to give people too much worry.
Check to see if everything is on fire.
Fire is hot. If you are hot, chances are you, and by process of elimination, everything, is on fire. If you are not on fire, mostly likely everything else is and you will soon be engulfed in flames.
Most likely if one thing is on fire, like candles, stoves, incense, etc., then everything else will be on fire as well.
What to do once you are certain everything is on fire (and it will be, because everything is on fire).
Once you have been convinced that everything is on fire, there are several ways in which to not be on fire.
Jumping out of the highest window of the building you’re in is a great way to start not being on fire. As you plummet towards the ground, the air rushing past your flailing limbs will help put out the fire, like breath breathing out a collection of birthday candles (which are also a sign of everything being on fire). However, this will not work if the air (which is a part of everything) is on fire.
Hiding in a swimming pool until less than everything is on fire can also be quite helpful, unless the pool in question is filled with gasoline, in which case, everything that is not on fire will soon be on fire.
Run away from the fire. Fire is lazy and often does not like having to get up to do its job. If you are fleet of feet, you may be able to outrun the fire. On the other hand, if you are slow because of being fat, you may be able to outwit the fire, as fire (especially when it is on everything) is quite dumb, and can usually be stopped with a simple riddle, usually one involving a fox, a goose, and a bag of goose food.
The most important part of everything being on fire is that you will be on fire.
Here are some ways to tell if you are on fire:
If you are blind and on fire, people will be screaming “you are on fire” loudly in you vicinity. Thank them immediately, as they took time out of their day, and, since they are near you, are on fire as well, and have concerns of their own.
If you are deaf, people will be making fire charades with their hands and pointing vigorously at your person. These people should also be thanked, but not as much as the other people, for charades is more of a game than a safety procedure.
If you are neither deaf or blind but are completely normal and are of at least below normal intelligence, everything being on fire (including large portions of yourself) should be fairly obvious. If not, there are people you can call and leave a message with, and they will get back to you, just as soon as we can.
The best solution to everything being on fire is to just let it happen. Everything being on fire is much less worrisome that waiting around, constantly anticipating everything being on fire. Also, being on fire is a great way to meet the ladies.
And as one final, general rule, it is much harder for everything to be on fire if everything is dead.
We hope this has been informative. In the nearer future we will be bringing you such guides as What To Do When Everything Is Wet, What To Do When Everything is Covered In Snakes, and What To Do When Everything Works The Way It Was Supposed To In The First Place.
Thank you for reading, and enjoy everything not being on fire.