Thursday, April 9, 2009

What To Do When Everything Is Crawling With Snakes

You might think it could never happen to you. I don’t live in an area commonly known to harbor snakes, is something you might say aloud in the streets whilst unicycling or some other non-snake activity. You might even think it over and over rapidly in your head as you go to work at the storage place where you also live. Well, you are a fool who has odd ways of passing the time.

At some point in your life, no matter who you are, everything will be crawling with snakes. No matter how hard you try, this will happen. Those who still try to deny it, while snakes are literally dripping off of everything will be the first to die. But you, lucky person who is reading this, may be one of the first to live, if you just do everything you are supposed to exactly right the first time and always after that.

The best way to avoid mistakes is not making them.

Mistakes you make when everything is crawling with snakes:

1) Worrying about where all these snakes came from.

Don’t worry about it! If you’re standing around wondering where all the snakes came from when everything is crawling with snakes, you will quickly be crawling with snakes, and that’s the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid. The only reason you should worry about where all these snakes came from is so you can stop more snakes from coming. This should only be done when you have the time, and when you can get around to it.

2) Freaking Out.

This will most likely occur in female victims of everything crawling with snakes. It has also been found to occur in lady-like men and people who are afraid of snakes. Do not freak out! Snakes feed on fear. Literally. When you are afraid, your body secretes certain chemicals, or fear-sweat, as it is known by the U.S. Patent Office. This fear sweat permeates the air and snakes gather sustenance from it. This is why they constantly flick their tongues out at nothing, and why they are so fat.

3) Thinking the snakes are smarter than you.

This is one of the more common mistakes people make when dealing with everything crawling with snakes. People freak out and their first thought is, All these snakes are smarter than me. Do not for one second allow your self esteem to dip in front of these snakes. After fear, their next favorite food is self-doubt. Do not think lowly of yourself when confronted with these diabolical reptiles. Keep your chin up and go over in your head whatever you remember from high school algebra or anything else super smarty pants until your confidence level levels off.

Now, do not for one hour think that snakes are stupid. They are extremely smart. You just can not let them think that, or they will walk all over you (pun intended). A good way to not get fooled by the snakes crawling on everything is to always carry a copy of Your Pocket-Guide To All Known Slimy Things* with you at all times. This will let you know the intelligence level of how ever many different types of snakes you are dealing with at any given time, and will help answer questions like Can these snakes be tricked into thinking I’ve actually pulled off my thumb, or will this require a more elaborate ruse?

4) Getting hypnotized.

Don’t get hypnotized.

5) Believing you are a snake.

If you have made this mistake, you have also most likely made the mistake detailed in number four. Don’t believe you are a snake. You are not. The real snakes will only use you to make themselves feel better about actually being snakes, and then they will ditch you in front of some pet store when you are no longer of any use to them.

If, for whatever reason, you did not make the mistake detailed in number four, but are willingly acting like a snake to fit in, you are a traitor to your human masters, and if what you want is to be a snake crawling on everything, then go be a snake crawling on everything. Just remember no one will respect you, and that kind of surgery has not been approved by anyone yet, so...enter that can of worms** at your own risk.

We hope this has been helpful to you in your personal war against snakes. We hope to aid you further in the future as our informative series of Stuff Happens To Everything series continues its long journey with entries like What To Do When Everything Kills, What To Do When Everything Is Pointy, and What To Do When Everyone Wishes You Were Killed By Pointy Things.


*Your Pocket Guide To All Known Slimy Things will be published in October of 2017.

**Little Known Fact: Worms are snakes. Same rules apply.

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