Hey there, folks.
A great new moment is upon us, and you are an integral part of that new moment. After years of waiting, the future is finally here.
That is, if you’re not scared of THE CHANGE.
On Friday, all analogue television signals will cease to exist and will be replaced with the mighty, government approved digital television signal.
It’s for your own good. You don’t want to be inferior, do you?
Most (all) of your neighbor’s have been enjoying digital television for months, and they haven’t gone insane yet.
Those of you not enjoying your God given American right to the best stuff may be confused about what exactly digital television is. There’s no excuse for that. If you’re concerned that much about the future of television, you’re obviously a television enthusiast, so you must have seen one of our many ads and bottom-of-the-screen runners during your favorite shows and commercials. You can’t say you haven’t been warned.
Don’t worry. There’s no reason to panic and have to be forcibly subdued. THE CHANGE is coming and there’s noting you have to do to stop it. In fact, it must be the right choice. You didn’t even have to vote for it.
If you’ve already purchased a brand new and affordable digital television, or a digital converter box for your old, useless, and heavy, then congratulations! You’re on the ball. Come June 12th, your puny analogue signal will flatline in the presence of ALMIGHTY DIGITAL!
You have to go purchase a digital converter box immediately. We gave you the spendin’ cash for it. It’s sitting on the store shelf, not living up to its potential. All because of your selfishness.
If you continue to think only of your self, come June 12th, you will find yourself banned from television for the rest of your life. No more news. No more laughs. No more radiating comfort in the dark times. You will be completely cut off from all things. Studies show that without television’s constant light, your imagination will run out of food, wither, and die. Just try to imagine the better world you foolishly to leave behind, and how awesome it is. Go on. Take a moment.
Couldn’t do it, could you? Inferior television viewing has already made your brain soft and gummy, which means your already 67% more likely to become a terrorist.
We don’t tell you all this because we’re mean and want to scare you. We love you, random citizen. We know change is confusing, be we also know it’s always good for you. There’s no reason to be terrified of the ominous and mandatory shift in technology. We won’t use it to spy on you like we could. We’re making a better world, one where everyone will be connected by being the same forever.
Don’t worry. We’re going to take care of you. No matter what you say.
Brought to you by your Government. Bringing the country together, one mysterious black box at a time.