Monday, August 3, 2009

Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where appropriate.

8:30 AM- Dreambuilders, Inc.- A team of experts recreates historical events out of Legos. This week: The Black Dahlia Murder.

10:00 AM- Cubicle Hell- Children can see what it is really like to dream big and live tiny, ever, ever so tiny. WARNING: A high suicide rate among adult viewers has been reported.

Despair. Just despair.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where inappropriate.


9:00 AM- Nothing Matters. Nothing at All- Hosted by Miss Anne Thropy. Learn how to roll your own, and make your own color chart for all the different shades of black. Next week: Learn how to brood.


10:00 AM- Hobo Cookout With Stabs O’Brien- Stabs and his saucier Bindle Bart show you how to make wine from sweat.

NOON- Unfortunate Choices- Today’s guests include several college graduates now living at home, three senators, and a couple, now divorced, who married for love.


Your guess is as good as ours.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where inappropriate.



9:00 AM- Crazy Octavius’ Secret Bunker Showtime Circus- A Mad German Scientist conducts “Funsperiments” on neighborhood animals in front of an audience of 8 year olds who seem oddly sedate. Recommended for all who seek careers in healt hadministration

10:00 Am- Bewildered Bunhilda’s Sweepy Time Stagger Around- bunhilda, Crazy Octavius’ long distance girlfriend and live-in maid, cleans up after his “Funsperiments”. This episode, Bunhilda shows her talent for deboning sturgeon with out the use of her hands, which as we all know, we’re removed during last weeks “Funsperiment”.


5:00 PM- Neil and Buzz: Bitchin' Road Trip ‘09- Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin pile in their Moon-Van (an ‘87 Econoline, spray painted black with a skull on the hood) and set off for glory! This episode: Neil knocks up a truck stop waitress/lady of easy-pleasing, and Buzz lives up to his name when he enters the North Virginia How Much Speed Can You Ingest? Competition. Recommended only for those who love America.


All Day- Protests Gone Horribly Wrong- Kent State, Tianemen Square (Director’s Cut), and many more of your favorites.



8:00 AM-?- Buckets of Tar Being Dumped on the Heads of the Smarter Children- Not an actual program, just what’s going to happen.

Monday, July 20, 2009

Editorial #1

We here at The Great American Going Out Of Business Sale recently discovered that we have opinions about stuff. We present here the first in a long and uncalled for line of editorials.

We Will Never Go To The Moon Again
Melvin Gutenflag

Today is the fortieth anniversary of the original moon landing, and much attention, including this reporter’s, has been forced to remember a dark chapter in this country’s history, a time when we all took the easy way out.

In 1961, a person of moderate importance suggested that, by the end of the decade, we not only could, but should, put a man on the moon. Two years later, that person was shot and killed for their arrogance, among other things. However, other persons of more importance and arrogance took this person seriously, and in July of 1969, not one but two mans had been put on the moon.

Though this achievement was singularly and solely achieved by the United States of Achievement, it was somehow seen as a victory for the rest of the planet, who had nothing to do with it, and possibly other unknown planets, who were rooting for us all along. It was seen by everyone who owned a television set, and possibly a few who did not.

We continued to visit the moon for three more years, bringing it news of our accomplishments, like going to the moon.

And then, in 1972, we stopped visiting, forever.

Why would we do such a thing? The moon was ours, primed to become the fifty-first state. We might all be living there now, in spacious yet affordable moon huts, eating tasty and nutritious moon foods, and generally living the way the framers of the constitution intended. Why then, I ask you, person over there, are we not?

“Because it was just so damned easy”, says Man Who Ought To Know.

He was right, as all Americans are, and as all Americans know, if it’s easy, no matter how beneficial, it just ain’t worth doing. It is the reason we constantly find ourselves in random and unending armed conflicts around the world: it is very, very difficult, and therefore, worth every dead soldier, civilian, and piece of ordinance. Space travel, like world peace and unlike war and bipartisan politics, is so very, very easy.

Though it was very, very easy, no one will deny that the space race was good for one thing: keeping people who are different from us in their place. The Russians knew who was calling the shots in space in the sixties*. Every time they outshone us, and we struggled and then mostly failed to keep up, every Ruskie scientist and Commienaut was shaking in their whatever the Russian word for boots is. It kept their rockets aimed at the sky, which is not where America is at all, and certainly not where we kept our precious fluids and things we didn’t want blown. Now, that is difficult.

It took only eight years from that insane, unimportant person’s first double dog dare to Neil Armstrong’s first bootprint, to get to the moon. That’s nothing to write home about. In eight years, George W. Bush started a war he couldn’t possibly finish, guranteeing the next five presidents will have to deal with it’s ramifications. Why, in 2007 alone, America’s spending on wars in Afghanistan and Iraq was the same as the entire Apollo 11 mission, roughy $150 billion**. It should be obvious which investment has had the biggest returns.

Scientists and time travel enthusiasts also tell us that things were done with much more ease in general back in those days. “Everybody knows that things happened with much more ease back in those days”, says Jack Turgid, local farmer, who is dead. He is absolutely right, even more right than certain professionals who’s job it is to always be right. There were no computers or Twitter back then to keep you informed. One had to keep themselves up to date by a process called reading, which has been proved to be unnecessary. Things that are easy and awe-inspiring are threats to the American way of life. Things like war and crushing financial dependence are what made America great, and in this current and critical climate can only make America greaterer.

Even Neil Armstrong, father to bicycle overlord Lance Armstrong, says he wishes he never went to the moon***.

There are many things we could have in our lives if we were to once again adopt an easy going attitude of across the board, nonpartisan human progress and peace: flying cars, food-pills, tubes that speedily transported you from country to country, peace, love, perpetual renaissance of the human spirit, and other things only the dumbest children believe in.

The age of easily going to places in outer space no one’s ever gone to before and discovering awesome, existence changing things is long over and dead. It was all just some absurdity fueled fever dream, mass psychosis tramping towards deranged betterment for us all. Easy-peasey-lemon-squeezey. It was something we deluded into happening, and it did, sort of, in a studio in beautiful downtown Burbank.

*We were calling the shots. And possibly the Space-Crocodiles of Swamptron.

**Adjusted for Now-Time Dollars. In Back-Then Dollars, it was roughly $25 billion.

***The actual quote from Mr. Armstrong was: “The moon is a lady of easy pleasing, and I have had my fill. I have had my fill.” Mr. Armstrong then stared off glassy eyed into the corner, and demanded the room be cleared so that he could “prepare for launch.” He then winked suggestively several times at a female assistant,then fell asleep.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

All Hands Bury The Dead

To lose someone, anyone, at any time, is a tragedy. That anyone should not live as long as they could is a sin. It makes no difference who this person is.

With the recent series of passings of people more known than others, some perspective seems to have been lost.

We here at The Great American Going Out Of Business Sale would like to remind and remember all the other people who passed in the last few weeks who didn't merit a sports arena and national broadcast for their funeral.

They may not have been more known than others, but no matter what they were, the lives of others would not have functioned properly had they not existed, and therefore, life itself would not have functioned.

No one person is worth more than another, only better known.

We ask that you join us in a moment of silence for ALL the Dead...

Thank you.

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Children's Programming

Children’s Programming Guide for the first week of July


Channel Amphetamine
4:30 am- Wake-Up the Whale!- An angry unemployed whale yells at the children for three and a half hours. Required watching for all school age failures. There will be a test.

7:00 am- Inappropriate Banter Express- Two once attractive middle aged women and a beaten down ex games show hosts trade shameful sexual indiscretions over morning coffee while planning each others murder/suicide. Tune in to see who succeeds. Spoiler: Everyone.

Channel Enough Rope
2:00 pm- Michael Bay’s Fairy Tale Revenge- Michael Bay reads fairy tales his way. Snow White looks pouty, the Pied Piper won’t shut up, and all the magical creatures serve no purpose. Then things explode. The End

Monday, June 8, 2009

A Note On Things You Can Not Change

Hey there, folks.

A great new moment is upon us, and you are an integral part of that new moment. After years of waiting, the future is finally here.

That is, if you’re not scared of THE CHANGE.

On Friday, all analogue television signals will cease to exist and will be replaced with the mighty, government approved digital television signal.

It’s for your own good. You don’t want to be inferior, do you?

Most (all) of your neighbor’s have been enjoying digital television for months, and they haven’t gone insane yet.

Those of you not enjoying your God given American right to the best stuff may be confused about what exactly digital television is. There’s no excuse for that. If you’re concerned that much about the future of television, you’re obviously a television enthusiast, so you must have seen one of our many ads and bottom-of-the-screen runners during your favorite shows and commercials. You can’t say you haven’t been warned.

Don’t worry. There’s no reason to panic and have to be forcibly subdued. THE CHANGE is coming and there’s noting you have to do to stop it. In fact, it must be the right choice. You didn’t even have to vote for it.

If you’ve already purchased a brand new and affordable digital television, or a digital converter box for your old, useless, and heavy, then congratulations! You’re on the ball. Come June 12th, your puny analogue signal will flatline in the presence of ALMIGHTY DIGITAL!

You have to go purchase a digital converter box immediately. We gave you the spendin’ cash for it. It’s sitting on the store shelf, not living up to its potential. All because of your selfishness.

If you continue to think only of your self, come June 12th, you will find yourself banned from television for the rest of your life. No more news. No more laughs. No more radiating comfort in the dark times. You will be completely cut off from all things. Studies show that without television’s constant light, your imagination will run out of food, wither, and die. Just try to imagine the better world you foolishly to leave behind, and how awesome it is. Go on. Take a moment.

Couldn’t do it, could you? Inferior television viewing has already made your brain soft and gummy, which means your already 67% more likely to become a terrorist.

We don’t tell you all this because we’re mean and want to scare you. We love you, random citizen. We know change is confusing, be we also know it’s always good for you. There’s no reason to be terrified of the ominous and mandatory shift in technology. We won’t use it to spy on you like we could. We’re making a better world, one where everyone will be connected by being the same forever.

Don’t worry. We’re going to take care of you. No matter what you say.

Brought to you by your Government. Bringing the country together, one mysterious black box at a time.