Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where appropriate.
WEEKDAYS

CHANNEL WINNEBAGO
8:30 AM- Dreambuilders, Inc.- A team of experts recreates historical events out of Legos. This week: The Black Dahlia Murder.

CHANNEL LIFELESS
10:00 AM- Cubicle Hell- Children can see what it is really like to dream big and live tiny, ever, ever so tiny. WARNING: A high suicide rate among adult viewers has been reported.

WEEKEND
Despair. Just despair.

Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where inappropriate.
WEEKDAYS


CHANNEL NIETZSCHE

9:00 AM- Nothing Matters. Nothing at All- Hosted by Miss Anne Thropy. Learn how to roll your own, and make your own color chart for all the different shades of black. Next week: Learn how to brood.

CHANNEL MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY

10:00 AM- Hobo Cookout With Stabs O’Brien- Stabs and his saucier Bindle Bart show you how to make wine from sweat.
CHANNEL OKEEFINOKEE

NOON- Unfortunate Choices- Today’s guests include several college graduates now living at home, three senators, and a couple, now divorced, who married for love.

WEEKENDS

Your guess is as good as ours.

Children's Programming

A practical guide for children’s television programming for the week. Ratings advice and comments included where inappropriate.

WEEKDAYS

CHANNEL MULESKINNER

9:00 AM- Crazy Octavius’ Secret Bunker Showtime Circus- A Mad German Scientist conducts “Funsperiments” on neighborhood animals in front of an audience of 8 year olds who seem oddly sedate. Recommended for all who seek careers in healt hadministration

10:00 Am- Bewildered Bunhilda’s Sweepy Time Stagger Around- bunhilda, Crazy Octavius’ long distance girlfriend and live-in maid, cleans up after his “Funsperiments”. This episode, Bunhilda shows her talent for deboning sturgeon with out the use of her hands, which as we all know, we’re removed during last weeks “Funsperiment”.


CHANNEL SUBMARINE

5:00 PM- Neil and Buzz: Bitchin' Road Trip ‘09- Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin pile in their Moon-Van (an ‘87 Econoline, spray painted black with a skull on the hood) and set off for glory! This episode: Neil knocks up a truck stop waitress/lady of easy-pleasing, and Buzz lives up to his name when he enters the North Virginia How Much Speed Can You Ingest? Competition. Recommended only for those who love America.


CHANNEL DEATH RATTLE

All Day- Protests Gone Horribly Wrong- Kent State, Tianemen Square (Director’s Cut), and many more of your favorites.

WEEKENDS

CHANNEL TOLDYOUSO

8:00 AM-?- Buckets of Tar Being Dumped on the Heads of the Smarter Children- Not an actual program, just what’s going to happen.

Children's Programming

Children’s Programming Guide for the first week of July


Weekdays

Channel Amphetamine
4:30 am- Wake-Up the Whale!- An angry unemployed whale yells at the children for three and a half hours. Required watching for all school age failures. There will be a test.

7:00 am- Inappropriate Banter Express- Two once attractive middle aged women and a beaten down ex games show hosts trade shameful sexual indiscretions over morning coffee while planning each others murder/suicide. Tune in to see who succeeds. Spoiler: Everyone.

Channel Enough Rope
2:00 pm- Michael Bay’s Fairy Tale Revenge- Michael Bay reads fairy tales his way. Snow White looks pouty, the Pied Piper won’t shut up, and all the magical creatures serve no purpose. Then things explode. The End

Children's Programming

Children’s Television Programming Guide For the Second Week of April 2009 (with ratings recommendations where appropriate).

Weekdays

Channel Brick
1:00 pm- The Incredible Learning Adventures of Captain Boredom- A young boy puts on a home made super hero costume, sits in a corner, and reads quietly, stopping only occasionally to shush his imaginary friends, who are having much more fun.

Channel Nacho
2:00 pm- Ethnic Fun and Cement Hour- Somehow involves a sexually promiscuous ghost and several kinds of rodent. Not recommended for the sane or soon to be sane.

3:00 pm- There Is No God, Timmy, You’re Mom’s A Big Liar- The classic series returns for it’s 29th season. Recommended for all.

Channel Poppa Oo Mow Mow, Poppa Oo Mow Mow
4:00 pm- Lockers and Crap- What will happen on this teen drama when teens have drama. Guest starring Craig T. Nelson as the Principal with a secret (The secret turns out to be hidden pirate gold underneath the school’s gymnasium).


Weekends

All Channels
All Day- Crap, Crap, and More

Children’s Television Programming Guide For the First Week of April 2009

Weekdays
(ratings recommendations where appropriate)

Channel Zero
1:00 pm The Wacky Adventures Of Goebbels Armstrong of Star Democracy (contains dogma, not recommended for those who’ve been to school)

2:00pm The People’s Republic of Oregon presents Literacy for Reindeers (only available in central time zones)

Channel O
3:00pm Sex
4:00pm Violence (recommended all ages; excellent for parents to watch with kids)

Channel Ocelot
10am-8pm Amorphous Creature Singalong Sunny Time Funboree (not recommended for children with hope for future)

Public Broadcasting
2:55pm Books Am Gay (targeted at High School Students)
3:00pm Books Is Gay (targeted at Jr. College Students and their children)

Weekends
Commercials