Thursday, April 9, 2009

What To Do When Everything Is Crawling With Snakes

You might think it could never happen to you. I don’t live in an area commonly known to harbor snakes, is something you might say aloud in the streets whilst unicycling or some other non-snake activity. You might even think it over and over rapidly in your head as you go to work at the storage place where you also live. Well, you are a fool who has odd ways of passing the time.

At some point in your life, no matter who you are, everything will be crawling with snakes. No matter how hard you try, this will happen. Those who still try to deny it, while snakes are literally dripping off of everything will be the first to die. But you, lucky person who is reading this, may be one of the first to live, if you just do everything you are supposed to exactly right the first time and always after that.

The best way to avoid mistakes is not making them.

Mistakes you make when everything is crawling with snakes:

1) Worrying about where all these snakes came from.

Don’t worry about it! If you’re standing around wondering where all the snakes came from when everything is crawling with snakes, you will quickly be crawling with snakes, and that’s the kind of thing we’re trying to avoid. The only reason you should worry about where all these snakes came from is so you can stop more snakes from coming. This should only be done when you have the time, and when you can get around to it.

2) Freaking Out.

This will most likely occur in female victims of everything crawling with snakes. It has also been found to occur in lady-like men and people who are afraid of snakes. Do not freak out! Snakes feed on fear. Literally. When you are afraid, your body secretes certain chemicals, or fear-sweat, as it is known by the U.S. Patent Office. This fear sweat permeates the air and snakes gather sustenance from it. This is why they constantly flick their tongues out at nothing, and why they are so fat.

3) Thinking the snakes are smarter than you.

This is one of the more common mistakes people make when dealing with everything crawling with snakes. People freak out and their first thought is, All these snakes are smarter than me. Do not for one second allow your self esteem to dip in front of these snakes. After fear, their next favorite food is self-doubt. Do not think lowly of yourself when confronted with these diabolical reptiles. Keep your chin up and go over in your head whatever you remember from high school algebra or anything else super smarty pants until your confidence level levels off.

Now, do not for one hour think that snakes are stupid. They are extremely smart. You just can not let them think that, or they will walk all over you (pun intended). A good way to not get fooled by the snakes crawling on everything is to always carry a copy of Your Pocket-Guide To All Known Slimy Things* with you at all times. This will let you know the intelligence level of how ever many different types of snakes you are dealing with at any given time, and will help answer questions like Can these snakes be tricked into thinking I’ve actually pulled off my thumb, or will this require a more elaborate ruse?

4) Getting hypnotized.

Don’t get hypnotized.

5) Believing you are a snake.

If you have made this mistake, you have also most likely made the mistake detailed in number four. Don’t believe you are a snake. You are not. The real snakes will only use you to make themselves feel better about actually being snakes, and then they will ditch you in front of some pet store when you are no longer of any use to them.

If, for whatever reason, you did not make the mistake detailed in number four, but are willingly acting like a snake to fit in, you are a traitor to your human masters, and if what you want is to be a snake crawling on everything, then go be a snake crawling on everything. Just remember no one will respect you, and that kind of surgery has not been approved by anyone yet, so...enter that can of worms** at your own risk.

We hope this has been helpful to you in your personal war against snakes. We hope to aid you further in the future as our informative series of Stuff Happens To Everything series continues its long journey with entries like What To Do When Everything Kills, What To Do When Everything Is Pointy, and What To Do When Everyone Wishes You Were Killed By Pointy Things.


*Your Pocket Guide To All Known Slimy Things will be published in October of 2017.

**Little Known Fact: Worms are snakes. Same rules apply.

What To Do When Everything Is On Fire

Navigating this life can often be fraught with peril and intrigue, and things can often become intriguing and perilous. There is no reason that you can not be prepared. What follows is the first in a series of helpful guides for some of the more common experiences in life that seem to give people too much worry.

Check to see if everything is on fire.

Fire is hot. If you are hot, chances are you, and by process of elimination, everything, is on fire. If you are not on fire, mostly likely everything else is and you will soon be engulfed in flames.
Most likely if one thing is on fire, like candles, stoves, incense, etc., then everything else will be on fire as well.

What to do once you are certain everything is on fire (and it will be, because everything is on fire).

Once you have been convinced that everything is on fire, there are several ways in which to not be on fire.

Jumping out of the highest window of the building you’re in is a great way to start not being on fire. As you plummet towards the ground, the air rushing past your flailing limbs will help put out the fire, like breath breathing out a collection of birthday candles (which are also a sign of everything being on fire). However, this will not work if the air (which is a part of everything) is on fire.

Hiding in a swimming pool until less than everything is on fire can also be quite helpful, unless the pool in question is filled with gasoline, in which case, everything that is not on fire will soon be on fire.

Run away from the fire. Fire is lazy and often does not like having to get up to do its job. If you are fleet of feet, you may be able to outrun the fire. On the other hand, if you are slow because of being fat, you may be able to outwit the fire, as fire (especially when it is on everything) is quite dumb, and can usually be stopped with a simple riddle, usually one involving a fox, a goose, and a bag of goose food.

The most important part of everything being on fire is that you will be on fire.

Here are some ways to tell if you are on fire:

If you are blind and on fire, people will be screaming “you are on fire” loudly in you vicinity. Thank them immediately, as they took time out of their day, and, since they are near you, are on fire as well, and have concerns of their own.

If you are deaf, people will be making fire charades with their hands and pointing vigorously at your person. These people should also be thanked, but not as much as the other people, for charades is more of a game than a safety procedure.

If you are neither deaf or blind but are completely normal and are of at least below normal intelligence, everything being on fire (including large portions of yourself) should be fairly obvious. If not, there are people you can call and leave a message with, and they will get back to you, just as soon as we can.

The best solution to everything being on fire is to just let it happen. Everything being on fire is much less worrisome that waiting around, constantly anticipating everything being on fire. Also, being on fire is a great way to meet the ladies.

And as one final, general rule, it is much harder for everything to be on fire if everything is dead.
We hope this has been informative. In the nearer future we will be bringing you such guides as What To Do When Everything Is Wet, What To Do When Everything is Covered In Snakes, and What To Do When Everything Works The Way It Was Supposed To In The First Place.

Thank you for reading, and enjoy everything not being on fire.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Children's Programming

Children’s Television Programming Guide For the Second Week of April 2009 (with ratings recommendations where appropriate).


Channel Brick
1:00 pm- The Incredible Learning Adventures of Captain Boredom- A young boy puts on a home made super hero costume, sits in a corner, and reads quietly, stopping only occasionally to shush his imaginary friends, who are having much more fun.

Channel Nacho
2:00 pm- Ethnic Fun and Cement Hour- Somehow involves a sexually promiscuous ghost and several kinds of rodent. Not recommended for the sane or soon to be sane.

3:00 pm- There Is No God, Timmy, You’re Mom’s A Big Liar- The classic series returns for it’s 29th season. Recommended for all.

Channel Poppa Oo Mow Mow, Poppa Oo Mow Mow
4:00 pm- Lockers and Crap- What will happen on this teen drama when teens have drama. Guest starring Craig T. Nelson as the Principal with a secret (The secret turns out to be hidden pirate gold underneath the school’s gymnasium).


All Channels
All Day- Crap, Crap, and More